I was having dinner with a friend the other night and somehow the topic of “Excuses” came up. And, frankly, I strongly believe that:

No one cares about your excuses.
Ever.
So don’t even bother giving them.
Ever.
The end.

Now, your REASONS for something… maybe.

Most people, generally, don’t seem to understand the difference between the two. Of course, we all intellectually understand the difference when we stop and think about it for even a moment, but in our day-to-day practice, we often don’t.

As I’m fond of saying: “Ignore what people say, watch only what they do”

Bosses, parents, and teachers are prime culprits for tossing reasons into the “Excuse Basket” without even really listening. Anything that even starts to sound like an excuse… in the basket!

And subordinates, children, and students are great at trying to pass off excuses as reasons.

(And we’ve all been in both roles. Indeed, we usually inhabit both roles within each day)

Sometimes it is hard to tell the difference (a point I’d like to return to in “A Timely Reminder, part 3“).

And sometimes it really is important to explain the reasons for something not getting done on time, or breaking down, or whatever. Sometimes the reasons are the key to preventing it happening again.

To dismiss them out of hand is, then, is obviously foolish.

But how many times in the last month, say, have you just stopped listening as soon as something had a whiff of “excuse” about it?

How confident are you, in retrospect, that you were right? What kind of consequences could have ensued if you’d been wrong?

How do you know you weren’t and that they didn’t?

And the flipside:

How many times in the last month have you offered an excuse and tried to dress it up as a reason?

Why did you do that?

Did you “get away with” it?

Do you see this as a problem or a victory?

What–within you–do you think this kind of behaviour is indicative of? Where does it come from?

Say, my creepy Orwellian computer system (actually, just a simple WordPress plug-in and nothing to worry about. Honest!) is displaying this message automatically because it wants to help you get the latest updates to this somewhat irregular blog delivered to you direct, hot off the press via RSS! Huh? Via...WHAT??? Don't worry, it's just a fancy email thing without the spam. Easy. Painless. Safe. Click here to subscribe via RSS..

Thanks for visiting & I hope you find some good stuff here! Leslie

Quick recap: (from “A Timely Reminder, part 1“)

In my life (I can still remember the first time; I was 17), I have been called arrogant by many people. And I’ve come to realise that these accusations fall into the following four categories. That is, they come from:

(a) people who simply disagreed with me and felt that because I had a well-formulated argument and forcefully presented it, that makes me arrogant. (Note: It may or may not. Depends on the manner of the delivery. But a lot of people just say “You’re wrong. And your strong opinion equals arrogance”)

(b) people who have strong, strong emotional issues surrounding conflict and who therefore see any strong-willed, passionate person (whom they disagree with, of course!) as arrogant.

(c) people who fall into both categories (a) and (b)

(d) people who are right.

And so emerged in my life what I like to refer to as “The Cock Test“.

The test itself is pretty simple, really. The only “trick” (i.e. the hard bit) is that it requires the ability to be honest with (and as objective as is possible when you’re looking at) yourself. And it goes like this:

Whenever someone gets upset by or objects to something I’ve said or done, I ask myself

“Were you being a cock?“

And if the answer is “Yes” then I immediately apologise.

It may be a complete and unequivocal apology. Or, depending on the matter, simply a “I still stand by my action/comment/etc but I apologise for…”

The latter, incidentally, I don’t see as “half-an-apology”, by the way. I’m not going to compromise my beliefs (unless I was wrong! In which case it’s not compromising, it’s altering them) simply because I offended someone in the process of stating or doing what I believe.

The manner in which it was done is a different matter, however. And when I’m out of order (or just flat out wrong), I apologise.

That is to say, if I was being a cock independent of the belief attached, then that deserves an apology.

If, on the other hand, I apply the test and decide that “No, I wasn’t being a cock”, then I either let it go and don’t lose a wink about it because essentially it is not my problem. Or, depending on the relationship with that person, I might express my regret that they feel upset, but reiterate that I really didn’t do or say anything out of order and if, upon reflection, they still think I did, then they need to reassess their evaluation criteria.

This “not my problem” point of view is not the same as the **shrug** Don’t care! Not my problem! stance that, say, teenagers are fond of. If I wasn’t out of order, then it really isn’t my problem. The other person needs to deal with why they’re so thin-skinned (or thin-skinned about that issue) and why what I did or said pushed their buttons.

I really recommend that you start applying “The Cock Test” to your own life. Whichever way the chips fall in answer to its fundamental question (”Was I being a cock?”), you gain (not “win”; gain)–but only on the proviso that you really, truly, honest to goodness do have the ability to be brutally honest with yourself).

And it doesn’t mean that people will “forgive you your trespasses” (gotta love the irony of an atheist writing that, eh!).

Nor necessarily–depending on the gravity of your wrong-doing–that they even should.

Nor does it mean people will agree with you more.

Nor does it mean people will, for example, stop calling you (in my case) arrogant.

Nor does it mean half a dozen other things!

ALL it means is that you’ll be more at peace within yourself.

(But, hey! Ya gotta admit: that’s a pretty tasty outcome, innit? )

If someone gets upset and you really weren’t being a cock, don’t sweat it. Not… your… problem.

Sidenote here: They might try to make your life difficult, say. In which case it becomes “a” problem. But the issue of button-pushing still doesn’t become your problem. Or they might try to make it your problem by openly refusing to admit that you weren’t out of order. Don’t cave in to this. Don’t let people do this to you. Ever. You’re entering into a dangerous and destructive dynamic. What you’re doing is absolving them of their responsibility for their issues. What you’re also doing is actually attempting to accept responsibility for their issues, which clearly doesn’t help either of you.

If someone gets upset and you were out of order, apologise and endeavour not to do the same thing again.

(Will you uphold that? It depends how serious an issue it was and the emotional depth of the issues that triggered the action/statement/manner in YOU. You need to think carefully what it was that “made” you do it. Then uproot THAT!)

Another sidenote: You don’t have to backdown, cave in, change your position, or get in a tizzy every time some idiot takes offense to something you say or do. As I’ve said before–and as if you need me to tell you!–there is hardly a shortage of morons in the world. There’s not an idiot-drought, y’know. Just because some fuckwit is making a lot of noise, doesn’t mean he or she’s right. Carefully consider your position and evaluate it as objectively as you can. And if they’re just gnashing their teeth as a symptom of their idiocy, then let them gnash away and get on with your business.

The Cock Test is not an instant cure by any means, it’s simply a means of assessing whether you need to say sorry or just move along. And when the test says “Say sorry”, then what it’s doing for you is throwing up a red-flag you’d do well to take heed of; to get to the root of; to try and dislodge from yourself for future dealings with the same emotional trigger.

Hope you put it to good use, as well!

I made a post the weekend just gone (Playboy) and got “caught out” or “called on it”.

Which got me a-thinkin… (About a WHOLE lotta stuff! I wrote half a notebook this afternoon (coz I was away from my computer) so I thought I’d post some stuff here as a sort of “follow-up series” to that disaster…)

You see, what I didn’t realise is that my profile on the forum that I mentioned had a link to this blog. And the gal whose comment I was ridiculing thought she’d take a look-see over here.

You can read her comment following the Playboy post–along with my response to her response.

And then her response to my response.

I actually had quite a restless night’s sleep, which is odd because I’m not usually someone to even metaphorically loses sleep over things like this!

So what’s bothering me and why am I writing about it here?

Well. Let’s start with the “Why?” and then go to the “What?”

This site (which the blog is attached to) is essentially about self development. Go read the homepage or the “About Me & this Blog” if you’re interested in how it started.

Now, I’ve used all those resources and put them into action in my life and my life is better for it. Which is the reason I’m constantly recommending them to others! (as in “I really recommend…“)

And I think I’m a pretty well-adjusted, level-headed, emotionally mature, self-aware person.

And essentially that Playboy post reveals/lets loose an ugly side of me that perhaps I’d rather not admit exists.

I don’t suffer fools gladly. Never have. And the more I deal with people, the more fools I meet. That’s just statistics; the Law of Averages.

Now, being relatively well-adjusted and taking responsibility for my life and so on doesn’t mean that I have to turn into a spineless, appeasing, conflict-dodging apologist who doesn’t like to ruffle feathers and “agrees to disagree”. Yeah, I like yoga. Yeah, I eat tofu. But you know what I mean, right?

Which is not to say, of course, that you should go out of your way to disagree or be disagreeable or not make a stand when you see something you object to or think is stupid or damaging or both.

But neither is there any need to be so openly hostile, offensive, aggressive and arrogant as I am at times.

I’ve been called arrogant many, many times in my life. (In fact, I’ve been called arrogant by a previous commenter on this very blog!)

But after a while I realised that the vast majority of those accusations came from:

(a) people who simply disagreed with me and felt that because I had a well-formulated argument and forcefully presented it, that makes me arrogant. (Note: It may or may not. Depends on the manner of the delivery. But a lot of people just say “You’re wrong. And your strong opinion equals arrogance”)

My response to this response is “You’re an idiot”, which is naturally (but not necessarily, rightly) perceived as being arrogant. Fact is, there ARE idiots in the world. Lots of ‘em. A fact that may or may not correlate with intelligence, incidentally.

(b) people who have strong, strong emotional issues surrounding conflict and who therefore see any strong-willed, passionate person (whom they disagree with, of course!) as arrogant.

Naturally, the ones they agree with they laud as “champions” or “firebrands” or “beacons of truth”!

(c) people who fall into both categories (a) and (b)

(d) people who are right.

And so emerged in my life what I like to refer to as “The Cock Test“.

Also, before I go on any further with this discussion about the fall out and consequences from that Playboy post, I’d like to direct you to another post I’ll also make separately (but parallel to this discussion, too) “Don’t Give Me Your Excuses“.

Then we’ll go onto Part 2.

Ha ha! I saw a funny thing in a forum this week.

Someone posted a question asking about a design feature of another site. There was then a link to that site and the gist of the question was “Hey, would you guys take a look and tell me what you think about XYZ-feature?”

One person responded thus…

I was okay for the first 10 seconds, then saw a Playboy Ad….won’t be going back…sorry

I felt like adding the comment:

Well, sweetheart, while you’re at it, you’d better not go into the newsagency anymore either, eh.

For the record, the site being referred to was NOT a porn site. Had nothing to do with porn. Nothing even close. (I didn’t get served a Playboy ad when I visited, but I’m guessing that the ads are geo-targetted in some way because I get some ads in Japanese, for example.)

Now, I don’t want to get into the porn debate here because that’s actually NOT the point of this post. The point here is this:

* How religious folks love to take that moral high ground and then think they have a right to overtly interject their moral position wherever they like

“Whoa! Hang on, boy!” I can already hear some people saying to their computer screen “How do you know she’s religious?”

Well, actually, I don’t. That’s, therefore, a fair criticism.

But would be willing to bet just about ANYTHING that she is.

“Why? Just because she objects to porn? That’s rubbish… I’m not religious and I object to porn too!”

Sure. But you probably don’t make comments like that on public forums when there is absolutely NO relevance to the discussion. Simply to assert your moral position.

Everyone has a right to their opinion, of course. But people do NOT have a right to assert their moral opinion in a public forum, the topic of which has zero to do with philosophy or morality or ethics, etc.

Somehow, though, strongly religious folks seem to think that they not only have the right to do this, but a duty to do so.

Well, get the fuck outta my face with your religion. I’ve had enough!

For cryin’ out loud, go… and… read… The God Delusion, the most prescient account of not only why religion has got it so astoundingly wrong, but why it’s so dangerous, too. Really, if you haven’t read it, do so. Particularly if you’re religious. T’would be a terrible shame if this book were just a case of preaching to the choir (irony intended).

This blog, for example, is NOT a public forum. Yes, it’s a public place. But it is my blog where I talk about whatever is on my mind.

You can contribute to the discussion, by all means. In fact, please do.

You can disagree with me (as previous commenters have).

That’s okay. No problem.

It often turns out (strangely enough! ) that I’m not right about everything, y’know! Even though I (like everyone else) like to think I am (right, that is) at the time of opening my big mouth or bashing out something on this keyboard.

(And I’m truly grateful when someone puts me straight on something I thought I was right about and which it turns out I was not.)

BUT… very important… you have a choice to come back to this blog or not. This is not a public discussion board or a membership site dealing with nothing even remotely connected to philosophy.

Look, I apologise if on your first visit you come here and find stuff that you think is offensive or grossly at odds with your worldview… No, actually, I don’t “apologise” for that at all… because–generally–I don’t think I am particularly offensive.

Aaaannd… in stark contrast to most people who disagree with me on religious and metaphysical points of view, I have actually given my convictions a great deal of rigorous analysis.

Interestingly, though, the nature of this blog being “publicly accessible” makes my argument here about not having the right to publicly spout your moral position slightly wobbly (because essentially that’s what I do with every post!). And ayone can come here out of the blue and find stuff that they don’t like or don’t agree with.

But it’s not quite the same. This is a blog. People know that blogs are opinionated places; generally the domain of a single writer. And I’m not just interjecting my morals in a discussion I’m having with you about something else entirely, such as websites. I’m starting the discussions here!

Some conversations I start–on the Net or in “real life”–are all about moral issues and are therefore framed to deal with people’s opinions, thoughts, and moral positions. In that case, hit me widdem! That’s a clear invitation.

But a question about a design feature on a website?

I was out drinking with a couple of friends last night (a guy and a gal–not a couple) and we were talking about the way women (mostly, it seems) are often heard sighing and saying this one:

“I thought he would change after we got married…”

The gal I was with scoffed and offered the following summary (the best I’ve ever heard on the matter):

“Are you kidding? When you agree to marry him it’s basically like giving him a big ol’ stamp of approval ‘Don’t you go changin’ none now, Honey’ … and that’s the problem!”

Pretty succinct, huh?

I’d be interested to know what you think about this? And thoughts?

Leslie